All posts by Emily

Lost Life, Lost Legacy

“Why do you think we haven’t had a woman as president yet?” First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton asked her guest over their lunch at the White House. The little woman sitting at table with Mrs. Clinton did not hesitate in her reply.“Because she has probably been aborted,” said Mother Teresa.(1)

Whether this story that was first brought to the public in 2009 is fact or fiction, the implications are still valid. I don’t think I was the only one who was pretty disappointed in our ultimate choices for president this past year. When you think about the millions of Americans that have been aborted (58 million) you have to wonder who or what are we missing? Presidents that would lead us, scientists that would cure us, innovators that would come up with that robot that will clean my whole house in one second (this is what my daughter thought I should ask Santa for! She saw no need to confine one’s wish list to things that currently exist, after all the elves can make anything, right!?)

Perhaps that is too dreamy. It is much more personal than that. In the book entitled, 40 Days for Life, authors Shawn Carney and David Bereit tell the true story of a man that kept vigil at his father’s deathbed. His father was overcome with emotion and gratitude for his eldest son’s presence.  The father went on to tell his son for the first time, the story of when his son was an unexpected pregnancy and how he took care of things- by convincing his mother to get an abortion. He dropped her off and that was that. But she had a change of heart and he did the honorable thing and married her not completely convinced this was the best decision. And there he lay at death’s door, none of his other children around, but his eldest. He was so sorry for his past weakness, but so thankful that his wife was so strong, and that she had been able to see what he couldn’t at the time.

That young man was a Knight of Columbus and spearheaded the “Knight Shift” of the very first “40 Days for Life” a 24-hours a day prayer vigil outside of Planned Parenthood in Bryan, Texas. After 7 years of peaceful vigils that location shut down and is one of 75 abortion centers that have closed in conjunction with 40 Days for Life prayer vigils over the past 10 years.

I have heard pro-choice advocates imply that a woman’s decision to kill her baby doesn’t affect anyone else. But to think that abortion only affects the child and mother simply can’t be true. Approximately every 30 seconds another American dies via abortion. That one was someone’s future husband, someone’s future teacher, someone’s future hospice nurse. As Pocahontas sang in the Colors of the Wind, “And we are all connected to each other, in a circle, in a hoop, that never ends. How high does the sycamore grow? If you cut it down, then you’ll never know.” Ah, I just watched the video on YouTube and it takes me back to childhood, fun fact did you know Mel Gibson is the voice of John Smith?

This year, I am once again honored to be able to participate in the Rose Procession at St. Mark’s Catholic Church. We try our best to find a person born in each year since the passage of Roe v Wade in 1973 to carry a rose single file to the front of the church as a tribute to the lives lost through abortion. The first year, I was struck by how personal it was.

“I felt like I was carrying that rose for a friend. A friend I never got to meet or know. She and I never got to meet for margaritas, we never got to train for a half marathon together, we never got to laugh over the long version of the story when Mommy tasted baby poop, or cry together in silence, but not the awkward kind.” ~Regular Joan

I honored her life by giving her a name (Sara Elaine) and I also honor her life annually ever since by simply walking with a rose for her on Sanctity of Life Sunday- January 22nd. But it isn’t just her that’s missing. It is her legacy. She would have likely had a husband and kids and someday grandkids; she would have made hundreds of ripples in the world, touching countless lives in ways unknown. This year I am helping to organize the procession, and a young mom asked if it is okay to have a toddler in arms. I of course said, “Yes.”  She represents the lives lost, and her child represents the millions of lost legacies.

Lives lost, that is a nice way to put it. Not entirely accurate though is it? In abortion the lives of the unborn are taken. Abortion is an evil act of murder if you don’t want to mince words. Of course this isn’t to imply that those who promote and participate in it are evil, they are just blinded by evil. They are the lost ones if you will, and the lost need our continued prayers and respectful dialogue.

Currently the Republicans (and a few pro-life democrats) in Congress are making moves to DEFUND Planned Parenthood, America’s largest abortion provider that receives $540 million dollars annually from taxpayers. It is stomach-turning to know that through my taxes I am forced to violate my conscience and support the intentional killing of our most innocent ones. When this legislature passes it will feel like the Cubs winning the World Series all over again. I may have to fly the ‘W’ flag to celebrate the win for religious freedom. The money is being reallocated to thousands of Federally Qualified Health Centers that will offer all the services that PP offers and more (except abortion). The American people won’t tolerate being forced to support abortion giants anymore. Especially, when those abortion giants give presidential candidates 30 million dollars. I think that is what was underestimated by the pundits in the Trump win- how many people care about the lives of the unborn, religious freedom and conscience rights.

I would like to close with a great little excerpt from Trent Horn’s book “Persuasive Pro-Life.”

“It’s fine to tolerate things that merely irritate us, such as a screaming baby on an airplane. Tolerance doesn’t mean approval, acceptance, or even indifference. To tolerate something means that we are willing to allow the thing that bothers us to exist. Tolerating a screaming baby on an airplane means that we won’t demand that the baby be moved to the cargo hold of the plane. While it’s okay to tolerate nuisances, it’s wrong to tolerate grave evils. We may tolerate a crying baby, but we should never tolerate a baby being molested by someone [or tortured].

If pro-lifers merely disliked abortion in the same way they dislike other nuisances, then it would make sense to tolerate abortion. This is the thinking behind the pro-choice slogan, ‘Don’t like abortion? Don’t have one!’ However, abortion is not a nuisance to be disliked but an act of evil that dismembers tiny human beings. It must be stopped. To pro-life advocates, this slogan is as silly as saying, ‘Don’t like slavery? Don’t have a slave! [But let me have mine]’.”

If you would like to organize a rose procession at your church or event let me know if I can help in any way. It really is a pretty simple, yet powerful tribute.


I Vote for Life

Did you know that the Catholic vote has mirrored or predicted the winner of the general election in 5 of the last 6 presidential elections? For example, in 2012 President Obama carried Catholics 50 percent to 48 percent while he won the overall national vote 51 percent to 47 percent. Is that surprising? Like most churches, my Catholic church, the dioscese which it belongs to, and even the Catholic radio station is a non-profit organization. Non-profits are not allowed under law to endorse a candidate or political party (or their non-profit status could be revoked costing $$$) Maybe this is for the best. But it does make it hard for leadership of any church to give clear guidelines to voters. Instead it seems we receive more often vague unoffending statements that you can pretty much read whatever you want out of them. They always emphasize forming your conscience and the importance of upholding the dignity of life in all its forms, while conveniently leaving out the “how to” of forming your conscience.

lincoln-beardIt is important for people to know that under the Obama administration funding to Planned Parenthood (PP, largest US abortion provider) increased by 30% resulting in the United States government giving PP $542 million annually. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, nobody has the right to do something wrong. We don’t have a right to own slaves, we don’t have a right to kill unborn children. The unborn child is not property of the mother to be dealt with at her discretion. We are a nation built upon the foundation that all humans are CREATED equal, with rights bestowed on them by God, beginning with a right to life, and then a right to freedom, and so on. We cannot have an ordered society built on disordered personal desires. The rules that regulate our nation, should be for the good of ALL people, the common good. It is not right to force tax payers to fund abortion.

Is the abortion issue really that big of a human rights issue? I’ve always found this 2 min sound illustration comparing the loss of life thought-and-feeling-provoking.

“I may not trust Donald Trump to always do the right thing, but I completely trust that Hillary Clinton will do the wrong thing regarding the protection of the most vulnerable in our society.” ~Regular Joan

Our lawmakers matter. Our laws matter. If you ever saw the show, “The Apprentice,”  you know that Donald Trump is not known for his gentility or humility. (He completely lacks both among other things). I cannot say I completely trust him. But he has promised to nominate judges to the Supreme Court that uphold the Constitution and the God-given right to life. (God given, man taken). I do completely trust Hillary Clinton to make as many pro-abortion changes to our country and the world as she has in her power to do so. She has already said she has plans to overturn the Hyde Amendment so that the government can spend even more money funding abortion. She has also gone on record with plans to circumvent the 43-year-old law known as the Helms Amendment so the US can finance abortion around the world too. Note: specifically WITHOUT conscience protection. (1- link below)adoption Hillary Clinton believes abortion is a right, and it should be so accessible (even free) that no one should be burdened with putting their body through an inconvenient pregnancy. Pro-life news sources have reported there are over half a million parents wanting to adopt a baby in the US, and for every couple that gets to adopt a child there are 32 couples still waiting. There may be unwanted pregnancies but these are not unwanted babies.

Enough from me, I’m just a passionately pro-life blogger, struggling to reconcile the world we live in with what God wants for the human race. I strive to give Jesus my heart 100% and then to follow it. And that is all anyone can really ask, form and follow– your own conscience. This is a timeless 3-min video of Mother Angelica from 2000. (Hint click the previous sentence) The more I get to know her the more I appreciate her quirky personality and genuine love.

“No one has the right to call death unto someone God has called to life.” ~Mother Angelica

I’m with you, Sister! Or I guess I should say Mother! I vote for life. Forming one’s conscience isn’t a light task, and while some may shy away from the heavy lifting of prayer and research, I hope you won’t shy away from reading this great commentary from Archbishop Chaput.

“The Gospel of John reminds us that the truth, and only the truth, makes us free. We’re fully human and free only when we live under the authority of the truth. And in that light, no issue has made us more dishonest and less free as believers and as a nation than abortion. People uncomfortable with the abortion issue argue, quite properly, that Catholic teaching is bigger than just one issue. Other urgent issues also need our attention. Being pro-birth is not the same as being pro-life. And being truly ‘pro-life’ doesn’t end with defending thchapute unborn child. But it does, and it must, begin there. … In every abortion, an innocent life always dies. This is why no equivalence can ever exist between the intentional killing involved in abortion, infanticide and euthanasia, on the one hand, and issues like homelessness, the death penalty and anti-poverty policy on the other. Again, all of these issues are important. But trying to reason or imply them into having the same moral weight is a debasement of Christian thought.” — Archbishop Charles Chaput of Philadelphia (2)

To close, I want to offer encouragement about the upcoming elections.

“When we have God, we always have a dog in the fight.”  ~Regular Joan

That came to me while drawing sidewalk chalk with my kiddos! As any 1st grader will inform her 3 year old sister, GOD spelled backwards is DOG. I was pondering if we needed to ask St. Jude to intercede on our nation’s behalf (patron saint of lost causes). But really it is never a loss cause when we have God! So let’s amp up the prayers. I invite you to join in a pre-election novena (you’ve perhaps seen this making the rounds on social media. This one sends you daily prayers Here is another one that you can pray everyday with the 1.9 million Knights of Columbus, no need to sign up for anything Come what may, there is always hope where there is God.

To end I would like to give you two links to two great homilies that have helped me form my conscience. The first needs to go viral, the second already has!

Homily comparing CYRUS and ANTIOCHAS (Trump and Clinton?)

Rev John Lankeit of the Diocese of Phoenix


(2)For more bishops’ statements see the link I pulled that great one of Chaput’s from:

Go for Gold, Mom & Dad!

Golden anniversary that is. Happy 40th Anniversary to my loving parents Steve and Cindy Seberger! Recently, in the Olympics we have seen the hard work of many Americans pay off. The United States brought home 121 medals, 46 of them gold, from Rio. Anything you want to succeed in takes work: preparation, practice, perspiration, perseverance, passion and sometimes even coaching. Whether an athlete or a business leader we can recognize there is a recipe for success. But do we apply the same logic to our marriages? Do we somehow try to side step the hard work, and see short falls as unpreventable or an unchangeable product of fate or luck? Olympians don’t get there because of luck.

“When it comes to marriage, are we settling for a green participation ribbon?” ~Regular Joan

Content, as long as no one’s yelling or crying? Or do we push ourselves to improve, to take that marriage that is a 7 or 8 and make it a 10?

A line from the toast I gave at my parents’ anniversary party was “At weddings we celebrate young love, at anniversaries we celebrate REAL LOVE.” Got a chuckle. Was it easy Mom and Dad? Knowing what I know from the 11 years of my own marriage my wager would be on “no” it wasn’t always easy, but “yes” it was worth it. Love isn’t that starry eyed floaty-feeling though it may start that way. Love is a choice; a conscious act to put the needs of another first, at times even above your own. In fairytale land, marriage is 50:50 and you meet in the middle. In reality it could be 60:40, 80:20, or even 100:0. But it is real love that sustains through thick and thin and reaps the joyful bounty of a life well-lived, built together brick by brick.

DSC06731You want the fairytale? Me too, after all who doesn’t want a happy ending. Okay, here you go. Like Cinderella and Prince Charming our newly married heroes ride off in a horse drawn carriage. But in a time before paved roads, rubber tires, and shocks it is a BUMPY ride! And as they hit the first pothole they are surprised. For although they knew they would encounter bumps, they didn’t see it coming so hard and fast. They wondered did other couples hit these same bumps? Some of the bumps brought them closer as they clung together through rough patches. Some of the bumps threw them apart, ‘who is driving this thing?’ Sometimes, they got stuck in a rut. But with faith, and using God as a guide the couple remains together (no one bails) and the journey continues. How will it end? Well, it wouldn’t be a fairytale without a kingdom, the Kingdom of God. The happily ever after is a marriage where spouses help each other get to heaven. Paradise! I heard a priest on Catholic Radio say, “No one gets to heaven alone.” (Probably quoting someone, but I don’t remember) We are companions on a journey, we need each other, we lift each other up, and we keep each other on the right road to heaven.

In shopping for a special anniversary card for my parents I was disgusted by the prevalent themes of “made for each other” and “meant to be.” It is a sense of pre-destination that makes is sound like love and going the distance is out of our control.

Selfie from the 70s!
Selfie from the 70s! Lucky to have these lovebirds as my parents.

This applies to falling in love and falling out of love. The notion of “soul mates” originated in Paganism. Zeus, split a soul into two so that instead of trying to take over Mt. Olympus, humans would spend their time looking for each other. Marriage is an institution from God. He created this vehicle to transport and transform us. And in answering the call to the vocation of marriage, the heroes change the world. With children it seems like their needs always come first. But really the best thing one can do for their children is to love their spouse. Thank you Mom and Dad for loving each other. Thank you for showing us to love through Christ Jesus, and for letting Jesus show us how to love through you.

Mom and Dad you have won a medal for the home team. Congratulations. You inspire me. You inspire all your children and grandchildren in ways you don’t know. You’ve taught us to be generous, kind, and conscientious, to work hard and admit our faults. You have taught us to love God and our family, to serve the community, and to respect life. And so many other things! There is more joy and beauty in this world because you loved each other. Your marriage truly is a gift to all. Cheers to 40 years! I’m rooting you on to gold, 50 years and beyond.

Sorting out the Purpose of Suffering

When my kindergartner went to Vacation Bible School last summer she learned several new songs. As my daughter was singing the lyrics “He’s [God] got the power to heal the broken hearts,” she stopped saying “Wait! That doesn’t makes sense! If God has the power to heal broken hearts how come He didn’t heal Ian’s?”

I thought that was a pretty good question. Father Jairo, our priest friend, had told us to pray hard and expect miracles. I think we conservatively had over 600 people praying for our little baby boy with half a heart in the womb. But Fr. Jairo also indicated to us that if we didn’t get our miracle that it would not be a fluke, it would be because God has a greater purpose to use this cross as part of a greater plan for our lives and the lives of others.

How many times have we asked God why this or that bad thing has happened? Let me take a crack at answering that. What day was the mostly heavily attended of religious services across all denominations? The weekend after 9/11 is the answer. Sadly, some- maybe even many- people only seek God in times of trouble. Much like a college kid who hasn’t been heard from in months calls home when she has car trouble. It takes a trial for some of us to turn to God, whether we seek consolation or meaning we find Him. Bad things in the world aren’t from God, but He allows them. He respects the free will he gave man enough not to interfere in some cases. In other cases, He can see the big picture and can see where the path of suffering may lead, such as to heaven. Perhaps, the spiritual benefits that will come if/when we turn to Him and succumb to Love Incarnate will outweigh a physical or emotional pain. Luckily, my husband and I have a strong foundation of faith so when we got the devastating diagnosis of our son’s major heart defect relying heavily on God was natural.


Sometimes is takes suffering for us to surrender to God and His will for our lives. We have to hit rock bottom, before we fully trust the Rock. But when we do trust the rock, we find stability, security, and refuge in it. Which in stormy times that kind of strength and peace shouldn’t be possible, yet it is with our God. And all sorts of truths about God we’ve understood with our minds we now understand with our hearts and souls. For example,

“Those who carry Christ’s cross, find the cross carries them.”   Imitation of Christ

When surgeons operate on muscle tissue the swelling is delayed so in the case of infant open heart surgery they have to leave the chest wound open for several days to a week. This is called “delayed sternal closure.” Our son Ian had this with his first and third open heart surgeries. They look terrible post-operatively, as you can’t imagine, I’ll spare you the picture: giant drainage tubes for the lungs and heart, the gaping chest (they cover it with a translucent bandage), multitudes of sensors, IVs, etc.

307It is painful for them to move much, so there is no holding; even talking and singing is barely tolerated as it could agitate them. So you do what you can do pray, hold your husband’s hand, watch the numbers especially his oxygen, and look for any little sign of improvement, hope that you can cling to (oh and keep pumping milk around the clock!). And little by little by little that Little-Train-That- Could is able to be sewn up, get the drains out, get extubated, etc and finally after 5 long days of helpless waiting you can hold him again. And your heart explodes with joy. And you cherish every moment like it could be his last, because it could. Throughout so much of this HLHS journey we have not been able to see the path ahead. Walking by faith, not by sight is kind of scary. A game of trust with God!

I remember reading pro-life articles about parents of children that have chromosomal defects and they would say how difficult it is, but how they wouldn’t change it for the world. I always questioned the sincerity of that. I could understand coming to terms and finding joy in any situation, but to say you wouldn’t trade it for normalcy? I think that from the outside it is really pretty hard to understand, but inside what they fail to express is an inner transformation that shakes your core and leaves you with a new perspective you couldn’t have attained via normalcy.

What I know is this: I habitually ask in prayer for God to strengthen my marriage and increase my faith, to use me as He sees fit in whatever plan He has. And although I wasn’t asking God to give my son a congenital heart defect, I’d have to be blind not to see the intangible gifts this hardship has brought with it. After 11 years of marriage I love my husband more than ever. Being able to share in the ferocious love for our little heart warrior through all the ups and downs, twists and turns has bonded us even tighter. baseballjesusAnd part of that was because we leaned on God together. When Ian was delirious from the pain meds and going through withdrawals during his most recent surgery we wondered if we’d ever get the little boy we knew back. Scott popped on ESPN and a feature started about a 10-year-old boy with HLHS (same rare heart condition) playing baseball in Little League and meeting his favorite MLB player. The timing can only be explained that God just wanted to give us a nudge and a wink, to let us know He’s still right beside us and our trust is NEVER misplaced when we put it in Him. He was telling us it is okay to dream in color for Ian’s future.

As we sort out the purpose of suffering we have to bear in mind suffering brings opportunity. An opportunity to offer up your suffering for a greater cause, an opportunity to let go and let God hold you close forever deepening your relationship with Him, and lastly an opportunity (and a privilege) to be a witness for the Faith. So would I change it if I could? Well, it seems childish to say ‘yes’ I want a heart-healthy kid, and reject God’s plan that continues to unfold.

“Suffering brings opportunity.” ~Regular Joan

Recently at church we sang the hymn “The Summons” and it was so touching, I hadn’t heard it in a long time. They lyrics really seemed to fit my reflections on suffering.

“Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
Will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?”

Beautiful. Other parts of the song really fit what we do in the pro-life movement. If you answer ‘yes’ to this “summons”, I dare say prepare yourself for some suffering, but what do I know?

I know Ian is one special kid, he was conceived on Father’s Day. My husband and I found out I was pregnant with him the same day we ran a half marathon. We stopped at the drug store before Mass to get a pregnancy test to be sure I was safe to celebrate with hot tub and alcohol. So I took the test in the church bathroom of Sts Peter and Paul Catholic Church in Grangeville, Idaho on the Feast of Sts. Peter and Paul! There is a plan and a purpose to this life. Ian was born in the beginning of Lent (March 2nd) and he was healthy enough to be transferred to Boise from LA on Easter Monday. The night of my 33rd birthday, when he was only weeks old in the ICU; he crashed and we experienced a deep agony. The medical team had to paralyze him using drugs to stabilize his oxygen thus preventing him from moving and getting too agitated. It absolutely horrified me that that had to be done to keep our fragile little fighter alive. Was this suffering a gift? Christ died at 33, so did Sts Catherine of Siena and Faustina Kowalska.  As a person who ponders, I remember wondering in my youth if there would be some sort of turning point in my life at that age. I got my answer. I was given a cross. And through my suffering I didn’t so much change directions, but go deeper. Suffering can cause transformation. Perhaps that is why it seems at the end of our lives we suffer so much as our bodies deteriorate; to prepare our immortal souls for eternity with Christ Jesus.

For those of you holding out wondering what I told my 5 year old about why God didn’t heal Ian’s heart, I told her, “I have the power to let you eat ice cream for dinner, but I don’t because I know that’s not what’s best for you.” Time to wrap this up with a bow and close with this quote I stumbled upon by St. Ignatius.

“If God gives you an abundant harvest of trials, it is a sign of great holiness which He desires you to attain. Do you want to become a great saint? Ask God to send you many sufferings. The flame of Divine Love never rises higher than when fed with the wood of the Cross, which the infinite charity of the Savior used to finish His sacrifice. All the pleasures of the world are nothing compared with the sweetness found in the gall and vinegar offered to Jesus Christ. That is, hard and painful things endured for Jesus Christ and with Jesus Christ.”
–Saint Ignatius of Loyola

More Miscarriage Meditations

It has been 2 months since we lost our lil’ Gus in miscarriage and it is still hard sometimes. One day you are literally full of life, and the next, you are left feeling… well, empty.

To the world a baby is born on his or her birthday. That is the first day of life. But a mother knows her baby came into being long before then.

“As soon as she realizes she is pregnant, her child is born in her heart. And as that little one grows in her womb it simultaneously grows in her heart. If the unexpected happens and the baby never sleeps in the nursery, he will always have a dwelling place in the home created in his mother’s heart.” -Regular Joan

Gus shouldn’t need a place in my heart though if he’s in the arms of Jesus.

I was surprised to learn that the Catholic Church doesn’t have a definite teaching on what happens to the souls of unbaptized babies. Ironically, (because Gus is named after St. Augustine) St. Augustine taught that the unbaptized go to hell!

In the Arms of His Love,                 by Del Parson

That stain of Original Sin is nothing to mess around with. St. Thomas Aquinas taught that they go to the “Limbo of Children” a place that isn’t heaven, but is an outer ring of hell where there is no pain, just separation from God. This idea is still prevalent enough that when I called Catholic Answers Live during a recent show about grace, that is what the priest told me. I was taken aback, not knowing that this was up for discussion. Why would God give babies an immortal soul and not call them home? Even if Gus hasn’t been baptized becoming a child of God and brother of Jesus, I have! That makes him a grandchild of God and nephew of Jesus. The host (Patrick Coffin) referred me to a great article, Let the Children Come to Me I strongly encourage everyone to read it. It explains that in 2007 the pope gathered a group of moral theologians to discuss this exact issue. The general consensus, as supported by the Baptism of Desire in the Catechism (CCC 1260, 1261) is that we have every reason to hope that miscarried babies go to heaven.

For some reason I couldn’t get J. Frank Wilson & The Cavaliers song Last Kiss out of my head.

“Oh where, oh where, can my baby be? The Lord took her away from me. She’s gone to heaven so I’ve got to be good. So I can see my baby when I leave this world.”

There is truth to those lyrics because I find myself trying to be good : ) I got back in the habit of saying a daily rosary asking Mary to pray for me that God would give me the patience and wisdom I need to be a good mother. I have a stronger desire to do right by God so that I can one day meet my boy Gus. Our family is proud to have him as a small part of us, and I hope that he is smiling down on us and equally proud of his family. His sisters still draw him in their family pictures and include him in our prayers.

St. John of the Cross expressed the idea that the closer a pane of glass is to the light the more clearly you can see how dirty it is. As I draw closer to God through my trials, I can’t help but become more aware of my sins. Before Adam and Eve there was no lottery of life’s diseases or death; there was no miscarriage, no heart defects, no cancer. But they failed God and Eve put a knot in the plan of salvation. I can’t help but recognize that despite my best efforts, I falter into sin. And in a way it was my sinful humanity that led to the death of lil’ Gus. It was obvious what happened, the umbilical chord was wrapped around his neck three times. Like the three times Peter denied Christ. Have I been denying Christ? Have I put him second fiddle to busyness, pride, comfort? I feel closer to God, which is a great place to be, but there is pain in the pruning as I try to let God shape my life.

untierofknotsOver the last year I’ve connected with Mother Mary as the Undoer of Knots. It started when after 3 months at home we were preparing to head back to the Los Angeles hospital for Ian’s third open heart surgery. About a month ahead of time it hit me and I felt the weight of doing it all over again. My stomach went to knots thinking about the surgery, the separation, the swelling, the tubes, the uncertainty. In the mail the next day I received a letter. In that letter came a devotional card to Mary the Undoer of Knots. It was God’s way of reminding me that my mother Mary knows too well what I am going through, having to watch my son suffer yet trusting the Lord.  I sought Mary’s intercession to ease the knots out of my stomach.

Later, I realized the origin of the moniker (thank you Scott Hahn). Eve made the knot with her sinful disobedience; Mary untied it with her obedience. We all fell with Adam and Eve; we are human and we sin. But the New Adam is Jesus Christ and where Adam fell, Christ rose again. Through his cross and resurrection the gates of heaven are open for all of his children to follow: Gus, myself, you. St. Teresa of Avila said that the cross is a bridge to heaven. This used to confuse me, but I am beginning to understand how through suffering we are able to connect to God in a whole different way. God fills the void that Gus left with promise and peace. So I’ve got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world.

Empty Womb-Sad: Empty Tomb-Glad!

This is me holding Gus’ precious little hand.

Finding Meaning in Miscarriage. As many of you know by now our Project Peanut did not have the outcome we expected. After ~115 days of life in the womb our little Gus passed away the week before Easter. It was completely unexpected as 2nd trimester miscarriages are, being so rare (only 2-3% of pregnancies miscarry in the 2nd trimester compared to the 25% that miscarry in the first 13 weeks). Regardless of age or size he was loved, especially by his makers (God, Mommy and Daddy).

“Our hearts are restless until they rests in Thee, O Lord.” ~St. Augustine

I had picked out the name Augustine (a-GUS-tin) years before after the great saint, and hubby Scott liked Gus too being a Lonesome Dove fan. So as we discussed whether we felt called to have anymore children (because someone wanted to get rid of ALL the baby stuff) I implored Scott, “What about Gus?! Are sure you don’t want a little brother for Ian?” Well, I could tell he wasn’t hearing the call I was, so I decided I needed to recruit a special prayer warrior to help in our discernment. So I decided to look up the feast of St. Augustine and I just happened to google his feast day on his feast day!! August 28th if you’re wondering. So knowing how it can sometimes take a long time to get an answer to my prayers I started praying for Gus. And when we were scratching our heads in December when we realized we were unexpectedly expecting, I had to laugh!  I had a pretty good feeling, being that I was due in August, this was an early answer to my prayers. Augustine James Naugle was on the way… affectionately called Peanut especially by his sisters until we could confirm that peanut “had nuts” (on ultrasound).

Two days after my miscarriage I found myself praying and pondering in the adoration chapel with Jesus Holy Thursday. Searching for meaning perhaps, the verse came to me, “Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.” We belong to God, our children belong to God. And so in our relationship with Christ, he gives us everything his love, his life, his father’s house. And in response we try to give him everythi007ng, and that includes our fertility and our children. Our children are a gift from God, but really they are His; entrusted to our care to teach them the way to get back home. Gus was sent from heaven, and he returned home to heaven. He just skipped over the desert wanderings of an earthly life. It was shocking to lose him, but of course he never was lost, his angel ushered him straight into the arms of Jesus. We are an Easter people; people of joy because of the resurrection. Death is not the end of his story. We just don’t get to be the ones to help write the early chapters in his book. And as much as we could have loved him it is only a shadow of God’s radiating love he now enjoys. So we cannot begrudge God for that!

As we were talking to the funeral home people and the deacon at church it seemed like a bigger production than what we thought. But when Father Reggie offered to do a mass for Gus, we figured if he’s offering we should take him up on it. And I am so glad that we did. It was so awesome to be able to honor his little life with a mass. It is great to be Catholic! I think part of our human weakness is that it is hard to love people we do not know. So although we loved him in a way proportionate to his size, it is more the dreams we had been building that crumbled than the heart shattering pain we would feel if one of our other children had passed. My regret is that I did not/could not love him more. I feel like if we asked God how much his life was worth he would say “A lot!” Perhaps even, “As much as yours.” Which is why I am so glad we did everything we could to honor him: naming him, sharing the news with family and friends, showing his sisters his body at home, having a memorial service and reception, and honoring his remains with the above angel urn and eventual burial.

Gus’ sweet feet. He was a little bigger than the size of my hand. Beautiful in his own right.

If it seemed like too much for a miscarried baby even one 19 weeks old, it was because we undervalue the unborn not because God overvalues them. Having the memorial mass elevated him and the significance of his life. Did it make it a little harder in some ways to be vulnerable and grieve more publicly? Yes, but in more ways it made things right. When we honor the lives of these little precious ones we also honor God their creator. And we are at peace feeling like we honored Gus, we honored God, and all is well in the world when we follow the will of God. Sometimes it is a path of suffering that leads to contentment.


Thank you to all our family and friends and our parish of St. Mark’s Catholic Church in Boise for your love and support. Especially those that attended and helped with Gus’ service, the first picture above.

PS. If you have lost a child in miscarriage and perhaps have regrets about not doing more . … it is not too late! There are lots of things you can still do. Here are a few ideas, and I would invite anyone reading this to add more in the comments. If you haven’t already, name your child. Get something special to remember your child. This could be a garden statue or perhaps a Christmas ornament (you may even engrave it with their name). If you have or get mother’s jewelry, include your child’s birthstone with your other children’s. Lastly, I’d like to mention there are support groups and ministries out there specifically to meet the needs of those who have experienced the loss of a child in the womb; please check into them. Whether it is honoring your child, dealing with grief, or just connecting with others that are feeling the same they are there to help.

Judgmental? Go to Hell … or Heaven

I think everyone struggles with being judgmental. How can we not? We are constantly making judgment calls in every facet of our lives. What we wear, what we eat, how we spend our time, etc. Socks with sandals? Well, in my opinion that would be a fashion no-no, but do I look down on people that wear socks with sandals? No. Can I share my opinion without offending those that don’t believe the way I do, or does that just make me judgmental? What about if it is a family member I care about, would they understand that my intentions are pure and I’m not trying to insult them by trying to persuade them to see things the way I do?*

045 I think it is delicate to have conversations concerning pro-life or many other topics with people that don’t think like you. It is hard with people you don’t know because they may assume the worst of you based on a few sentences. They may feel you are questioning their intelligence or their upbringing. It is also difficult with people you know well, because they may think you don’t even care about their friendship to be disagreeing with them in such a way. It seems like sooner or later if you take the position of a fundamental truth like life begins at conception or abortion is wrong, you will wind up being called judgmental.

Judgmental? Because I believe in a difference between right and wrong, and don’t buy into the prevalent notion that what’s right is different for each person? Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Light, and I have a lot of confidence in that Truth. Charles Spurgeon a Baptist preacher said, “The truth is like a lion; you don’t have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself.” This works for those that seek to inform their conscience, because if you look you can see how science (not just morals) backs up the truth about this issue.

Advances in technology provide ultrasounds; we see life in the womb and it is unmistakably human.  At 12 weeks a fetus can kick, turn over, make a fist open its mouth and press its lips together.  It can also feel pain.

TRUTH: Life begins at conception. Here is Peanut at 10 wks.

We now know how at conception a sperm and an egg join to form a zygote, with its own unique DNA, the beginning of an unrepeatable individual. Science also backs up how bad abortion is for the women that obtain them, especially psychologically. Women who have abortions are 81% more likely to experience subsequent mental health problems according to this 2011 study by Britain’s Royal College of Psychiatrists. For more on that study

Or when you say judgmental do you mean that I believe one day I will stand before a Judge? One day I will be judged not just by my actions, but my inactions too. By virtue of our baptism we are called to evangelize or spread the message of Jesus Christ. So despite how it sometimes gets uncomfortable, I am compelled to try to share what I believe has been revealed as Truth (to be clear, not a personal revelation).  We have the God given right to do good or to sin. If you choose sin, but were never really told the truth, because I was too cowardly to stand up against the culture and tell you the truth about birth control and abortion, well that is on me then isn’t it?

You may judge me as you like, and you may feel that I am judging you, but I am not. What I am trying to do is help you to examine your options and your actions, because if you sincerely seek the truth I feel like you will find it in the Church’s teachings. And God will be the judge; so don’t fool yourself because you won’t fool Him. For a God of love He is, but also one of justice. And if you look at the hefty price that Jesus had to pay to open heaven, you have to know that not everyone is going to enter heaven so easily. His love and mercy allow for imperfection, but those imperfections will need to be removed before you enter His Divine Presence (you can call it purgatory if you want). So mark me ignorant, weird, a little too religious, or judgmental. But remember we live “in” the world, but are not “of” the world.

The notion of the fear of the Lord is really lost on a lot of people. I’ve noticed some nonbelievers talk like we imagined God out of a need for reassurance. Oh that’s convenient, you sleep better at night knowing God is in control. When really I’m thinking: oh that’s convenient that you are rich and have deluded yocrossurself into thinking there is no God; so you don’t have to be held accountable. You don’t have to take care of your fellow man or reign in your desires. When Jesus says, I am the Way, follow me, NEWSFLASH he doesn’t walk down Easy Street, he walks up a hill to a cross! We don’t believe because it’s some feel good philosophy. It is actually a constant struggle because Jesus set the bar HIGH. We have to die to ourselves to rise with Him. During Lent especially, we try to grasp this aspect of holiness.  But it is hard because we love ourselves.

The pro-choice camp says I’m pushing my morals on them. Can’t I accurately say they are pushing their morals on me? They may not be forcing me to get an abortion, but they are still forcing me to support abortion through the over half billion dollars in federal funding that Planned Parenthood receives via my tax support annually. I don’t want to sound harsh, but wouldn’t a more proper representation be that the opposition wants to promote an absence of morals?  It is very one sided. To paraphrase GK Chesterton, when we eliminate the difference between right and wrong the devil wins. The founders of our country had a common foundation of happiness through virtue. Call it mainstream or secular society, but the morals have been removed and pleasure drives our dear free market. What perhaps started at the root of lust has grown into the graver sins of greed and pride feeding on the promotion of lust.

Be brave, be bold, the Truth must be told. It is not like what I see on home décor and t-shirts at Target “Do what you love” “Do what makes you happy.” Umm, no. Pleasure ends the moment the thing giving you pleasure ends. Joy comes with the fulfillment of doing something for the greater good, giving of yourself to benefit someone else. So yes the central theme of the Gospel is love, but when you love someone you try to get them to heaven. Do we even know what love and happiness are anymore? The words are thrown around so much that they have  become warped. Sacrificial love would be more accurate to describe the Gospel.  Jesus’ mission wasn’t just about love though, but about truth too (woman at the well is coming to mind). He came not just to atone for our sins, but to establish a universal church that will proclaim and protect the truth.  So, my hope is that we can somehow let our love outshine that perception of judgment so Jesus can “lead all souls to heaven, especially those most in need of [His] mercy.”

*Socks and sandals fashion faux pas does not apply to people over 60 (Love you Mom and Dad! ; )

New Year, New Project

Trying something new for my blog this year! I call it Project Peanut. Enjoy! And please comment on the blog if you’d like (not on Facebook). Hint make it full screen.

I just saw a beautiful story on Live Action that included this amazing picture of Annabelle who died between 7 and 8 weeks gestation.


Full story here:

So sad that most babies are aborted between 7-9 weeks. Why is it that we’re considered dead when our heart stops, but not alive when it starts?

21 Days after conception the heart starts beating!

There is hope! Ohio is trying to pass a law that won’t allow abortion after a heartbeat is detected, this recently passed in the state house.

Perseverance in Parenting

There is a pressure that surrounds us as parents to be perfect. In the modern age of technology there is an overload of information available on every conceivable topic, all an arms length away, accessible at the tap of a finger. There is always a better way to cook, to clean, to parent, to vacation, to lose weight, to be evermore efficient! Is it me, or can it get overwhelming?!

It is hard to balance it all. There is work, caring for children, meal preparation, sleep, a million house chores, fun time and reading with children, spiritual enrichment, exercise, grocery shopping, bill paying, doctor’s appointments, and on and on. It is exhausting at times. I was really encouraged by what Pope Francis said about the family recently, “The perseverance which is called when having and raising a family transforms the world and history.” Perseverance that’s what it is! And a dose of courage is needed too to even try to tackle raising kids in a world pushing perfection.

“The perseverance which is called when having and raising a family transforms the world and history.” ~Pope Francis

Perseverance. Like the cross country running quote, “When your legs can’t run anymore, run with your heart.” It takes grit to push through the craziness sometimes. When you feel like you will be driven over the edge by the vermin known as unmatched baby socks (my house is infested) or the frustration of toddlers who simultaneously NEED your help AND want to do it ALL by myself! When the whining is on surround sound and you want to scream, but settle for turning on Elmo and giving the baby a bath only to have him poop in the tub! Persevere.

What I find helpful when I find myself living on the edge of insanity is to prioritize and multitask as much as possible. Like fitting the walnuts and rice in the jar, we first need to keep in perspective what God demands not the world. And once we have our life ordered toward the walnutrice good of God (the walnuts) the rest falls into place. If you put the rice in first it doesn’t all fit. I read Sigrid Undset’s “St. Catherine of Siena” and found it stinging as the great saint chastises her own mother for wasting so much time and energy concerning “things that do not matter.” I found the irony in her position- things made of matter do not matter much. The focus should be on the spiritual. Appropriate message given this time of year when Christmas is over commercialized. We may be feeling added stress and disorder due to the busyness of the holidays. Advent, the four weeks before Christmas, is a time of preparation. It’s not just about preparing gifts for everyone on our list, but primarily it’s about preparing our hearts to receive the greatest gift: Jesus. Christmas shouldn’t feel like chaos it’s about peace.

In line with focusing on the spiritual, prioritize prayer. This helps keep our lives in proper perspective, God’s dreams for you don’t include some unachievable cultural standard of a perfect body, a perfect home, perfect children, etc. The second key to keeping your sanity while raising a family, is to multitask when possible. The other day my 2 and 5 year old did a craft where they made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches aka their own lunch. pbjIt was great for everyone! Another one I like is to combine exercise and playtime with kids. Or perhaps you combine spiritual enrichment with your daily commute by praying or listening to Catholic/Christian Radio. Now if I could only figure out how to do laundry and clean bathrooms in my sleep I’d be set!

The truth is raising kids is challenging in many ways. But the hard work really pays off in a way that is priceless. I wish there was a way to show the parents of unplanned pregnancies (or couples that are afraid to have children) that though it will be difficult, it will be worth it. Imagine climbing a mountain and then watching an awe-inspiring sunset at the top. You take a picture of the moment. But try as you may to show that picture to someone, a picture can hardly capture the magnitude of the moment. The joy and fulfillment of having children is like that. I would argue that whether you’ve been planning the climb for years with your spouse or you were dropped out of an airplane at the base of the mountain with 9 months or less to prepare – it will be a climb. Either way will require blood, sweat, tears, and perseverance. For me, the more difficult journey having a son with uncertain health problems, has only given me a deeper sense of contentment and a deeper understanding of the tender love God has for each of us. Everyday brings new joys and/or sufferings, but we offer them to the Lord and He makes something so beautiful. Impossible to capture completely with words or a picture, but I tried.

A photo of a recent Idaho sunset. Such beauty in our own backyard!

Therefore, do not overwhelm yourself pursuing perfection, but per the pope-persevere! Prioritize persistent prayer and patience in parenting and you will transform the world and history! What’s the Letter of the Day? ‘P’ clap- clap!